I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
