Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize