I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
