I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It was confusing and full of hummus
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
