youre lurking in front of me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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