I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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