he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize