Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
