So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize