Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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