Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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