im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
