I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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