i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
