I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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