So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
