My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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