Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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