maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
