True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
