sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
