Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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