Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
