Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
