so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
