IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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