i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
