dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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