You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you would pick up someone in the library
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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