The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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