You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
