I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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