I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
