alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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