The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
