I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
