Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
