I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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