Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
