My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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