Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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