at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
