Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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