I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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