i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
They have beer where we have blood.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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