my phone needs a breathalizer
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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