Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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