laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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