if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
