I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize