I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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