guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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