My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
