Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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