When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Randomize
