I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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