I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
