i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
