Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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