In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Randomize
