I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
