D3 body, D1 cock
I'm so fucking centered right now
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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