I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
