I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
