1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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