i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
