He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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