we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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