Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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