dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
