do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
