It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
