is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Hippo gnu deer
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
