after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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