Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
