The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
